Think it now, Say it never

A blog-full of opinions

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Life is great … Until reality sets in.

So I just realized that the reason I’ve been procrastinating withdrawing from STJ so I can transfer is that I’m where I wanna be! Ever since I was in high school when I started thinking about college I knew I wanted to go to a university and live on campus. I didn’t get to do 95% of the shit I wanted to in HS because of my parents and I figured maybe college could make up for some of that. So here I am at an university that I love, and then it hits me … this life I’ve been living? It’s all a lie! I’ve been in denial all this freaking time! I can’t afford this shit! I’m not some rich white kid like the ones you see on tv, yeah I may have some white in me thanks to my grandparents but that don’t mean shit! I don’t have some trust fund put away for me, or a rich uncle just waiting to write a check, hell I don’t even have a college fund! What I have is financial aid, you know that shit the government gives you because they want you to believe that they actually give a fck if you go to college or not! What I am is BLACK! Born in America, raised by Caribbean parents who didn’t even graduate elementary school because they had to help their parents raise the rest of their kids and take care of their household! So even though the college I’m transferring to is a very good school and 40 grand cheaper than the one I’m going to I still don’t wanna leave because this is what I’ve been dreaming about for the last couple of years and now I’m finally here! But because I’m not your “average white” person, or the “very smart Asian”, or even the “over achiever I can apply to Yale without them throwing my application in the garbage after laughing at it” black person I can’t afford to go here! Not after, getting pregnant, getting depressed and not going to classes which caused me to loose my scholarship, which is why I couldn’t afford to attend full time, which is why they advised me to attend part time, which is why I registered for part time, which is why I lost more financial aid, which is why I can’t afford to attend part time, at least! Now I’m at the point where I have no choice but to transfer. So as I try to make peace with what has already happened and what needs to happen, I will attempt to push aside any thoughts of my “dream school” and end this chapter of my life so that I can start writing the new chapter. Or maybe I should close my eyes and pretend that I’m still sleeping for a little bit longer?

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Just because she’s pretty …

… doesn’t mean you’re not!

I saw this quote the other day and it just randomly popped into my head. I don’t know if it’s just me, but I’m pretty sure it’s not. As women we tend to second guess ourselves when we see someone that we think is prettier than we are or just someone that’s pretty in general. We start to wonder if we’re really pretty and then we get insecure about our looks because we think she’s pretty. Well guess what? She’s NOT prettier than you! Yes, someone of course may say she is, but that’s their OPINION, it’s not a fact! There’s probably a list of people that think you’re 10x hotter than the girl that you think is so damn pretty. I think we all need to remember that women come in all shapes and sizes. But most of all we need re-evaluate what beauty is! To me, beauty is ones personality and their take on life! No, I’m not bullshitting you, I’m serious! I’ve talked to the lame looking dude that definitely was NOT my type until I realized what an amazing personality he had, and then some way some how he began to actually LOOK good. Call me crazy, but it’s happened! So instead of thinking, “Wow, she’s pretty, I wish I was that pretty!”, how about we think, “Yeah, she’s pretty, but she ain’t got shit on me!”. Confidence is key!

And guess what ladies? Men are attracted to it! :)

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Tonight’s The Night

Tonight’s the night
I’ll think about you but …
I won’t bother telling you I miss you
I won’t bother telling you how much I care
How much I want us to work
Because I know you don’t feel the same.

Tonight’s the night
I lost my virginity to him
I don’t know if it’s because …
I love him or
I’m scared to loose him
But I can’t take it back now
Even though I wish I could.

Tonight’s the night
I went to the hospital because …
I was almost beaten to death
I curled up into a ball and cried while he hit me
I thought he loved me
But now I realize it was all just a lie.

Tonight’s the night
I was raped
I feel helpless and lonely
I have no one to talk to
But no one would believe me anyway.
It’s my fault for going back to him.

Tonight’s the night
I cry myself to sleep
I can’t believe he’s cheating on me
After all that I’ve been through
I still love him
Although I can’t imagine why.

Tonight’s the night
I pack my bags and leave
I can’t do this anymore
I won’t do this anymore
I’m sorry
I love you
But I have to do what’s best for me
Even if that means leaving you.

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The ignorance!

The fact that people assume women purposely have kids with men who turn out to be dead beats is beyond my comprehension! What the hell makes you think someone would purposely have a child with someone that has no intentions of sticking around? Do you fully understand what not having a father around does to a child? Do you think anyone, but the dead beat, would be willing to put their child through that? And if you do please explain why! Have you ever stopped to think that maybe while she was talking to him he seemed like a good person at that time? Have you ever stopped to think that maybe he led her to believe that he was a good person and the thought of him purposely not caring for his child had never even entered her mind? How the hell can you sit there and say it’s her fault for having a child with a dead beat when she was led to believe that he actually cared? Is it not the dead beats fault for not taking responsibility, as she did when she decided to keep their child? So before opening your mouth how about you remember how many times you’ve led someone to believe that you loved them or that you actually cared! How about instead of saying it’s her fault she opened her legs in the first place, congratulate her for being more of a man than this dead beat will ever be and for not killing an innocent child when she to wanted no part of this situation. At least she was willing to do what many have not and thats taking responsibility for her actions and turning her “mistake” into a blessing!

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Not supposed to have friends I suppose.

Ever since elementary school I should have realized that I wasn’t the type to have friends. But when you’re the only kid in the household having friends isn’t a topic you can just let go of. I’ve always felt like an outsider even if I did have “friends”. I remember most of the cliques very well, and who was who’s bestfriend. And although I do recall having “bestfriends” in elementary, I still recall feeling left out. Everyone was always paired up. They always had that one friend that meant the world to them, even if we all shared the same group of friends. Yet somehow I never seemed to be one of those very important people. And every school I’ve been to, I assumed that would change, that the lonely, left out feeling would finally disappear. But sadly it has not. I now realize that I acted a lot when I was little. I tried to hide the fact that I felt lonely even when surrounded by others and I did a pretty damn good job apparently. But every day since elementary school I’ve always wondered why I’ve never been important to any one. No one I’ve ever put first has done the same. I was always the second bestfriend. There was always someone that was more important! I still don’t understand why, but I’m pretty sure that I never will. Even to this day I still feel lonely and left out, but I have finally stopped trying to be something I am clearly not, important. I understand that I may never be important to anyone else other than my daughter and I may never understand what a real friend is, although I thought I did at one point. But I guess I just have really high expectations and I now understand that they may never be met. But as I lay here and write this, I have come to the conclusion that I no longer want friends. I may talk to people once in a while, but you will be just that, someone I talk to. I will no longer use the word friend as I can not tolerate nonsense from people any longer and frankly I am tired of feeling the way I feel as of right now. So although I have not found what I have been looking for, or maybe I have and I have just lost it, I give up!

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fitvillains:

Swap your ‘somedays’ for TODAY. 

That workout you wanted to do? Today.

That new move you wanted to try? Today.

Eating healthier than you have been? Today. 

‘Someday’ is reassuring because it feels as though we’re not quitting, but rather putting something on hold. The problem is, we can be ‘on hold’ forever. And ‘someday’ is never guaranteed. 

Git ‘er done!

Motivation!

fitvillains:

Swap your ‘somedays’ for TODAY.

That workout you wanted to do? Today.

That new move you wanted to try? Today.

Eating healthier than you have been? Today.

‘Someday’ is reassuring because it feels as though we’re not quitting, but rather putting something on hold. The problem is, we can be ‘on hold’ forever. And ‘someday’ is never guaranteed.

Git ‘er done!

Motivation!